Conventional wisdom says that leaders hate criticism and those who work with them would rather keep a dysfunctional team than confront a leader’s incompetency. No one wants to be seen as uncivil or impolite, especially in ministry settings. We have an epidemic of niceness that keeps us from giving and receiving good feedback, but I think we leaders long for constructive criticism, and I think those who we lead long for ways to dish it out without feeling like they’re tripping the “nicewire.”

I hate criticism, too. But not always. I actually like it when I ask for it. When I get a surprise critical email it upsets my whole day. I get anxious. I ruminate on the criticism. I argue with the person. I get defensive. It sucks all around. But when I ask for criticism and get a response email chock full of it, there’s little-to-no anxiety. I actually learn how to be a better leader.

A comment in a recent post of mine suggested that an associate pastor felt isolation when she planned worship and preached and didn’t receive any comment, positive or negative, from her senior pastor. I’d feel bad too, but then I’d go ask for it. When I was a ministry staff member of a large church I always desired real, honest and constructive feedback from my pastor. I regularly requested it.

A recent article in “Psychology Today” suggests I’ve been on to something. Apparently we are more open to receiving feedback when we ask for it. We get less defensive. We hear the critique without prejudice. We take into consideration how we can improve without feeling insulted. This got me thinking, what would it be like if we were constantly asking for feedback, for critique, for criticism? Would our stress levels as leaders go down? Would we get better at what we do? Would we be both more faithful and more fruitful? Could we say goodbye to niceness?

I’ve also been wondering if asking for feedback doesn’t dismantle the nicewire for the person giving the feedback. If you are open to feedback, and actually make changes based on it, won’t those dishing it eventually trust to say what they really think instead of what they think you want to hear? One of my staff members and I have built that kind of a trusting relationship. We’re always asking each other how we can improve. No stepping on eggshells between the two of us. We tell it like we see it because we ask each other for that kind of critique. We’re actually improving one another’s leadership.

Here are some ways I’ve tried to court feedback:

  • Taking five minutes at the end of every meeting to ask the team what went well in the meeting and where there's room for improvement.
  • A 360 degree evaluation survey online every year to ask the membership to tell me how I’m doing (Marshall Goldsmith’s book, “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There,” shows you how to do this).
  • A vision meeting twice a year where the church staff presents ideas for the future and asks two questions: What are the strengths of these ideas, and what are the obstacles to accomplishing this vision?
  • A sermon feedback team to watch sermon DVDs (thank you seminary preaching class for this idea) and questionnaires in ten random bulletins every Sunday (Will Willimon writes about this in the Concise Encyclopedia of Preaching).
  • Pre-worship meetings with everyone involved in worship to ask for suggestions on how to improve today’s worship (my church was already doing this when I arrived as their pastor) and meeting with my worship leader between services to ask each other the same question (this was my worship leader’s idea, and he continually improves my sermon!).

Break the nicewire and ask for feedback. All the time.

Tom Arthur is pastor of Sycamore Creek United Methodist Church in Lansing, Michigan.