What nosy congregants, purity culture and “The Billy Graham Rule” have in common

The conversation goes something like this:

A well-meaning, if nosy, member of a congregation that I’m a part of approaches me with questions about my “friends.” (Air quotes theirs.)

In particular, they are referring to male friends and alluding to the chemistry that I, a cisgender, straight woman, have with those friends. While I have never been accused of anything untoward, I have been questioned when it is someone church members don’t recognize.

My platonic friendships with men routinely raise eyebrows. Certainly, those with questions believe their inquiry is about protecting me, my spouse and our marriage. I understand why. The inappropriate behavior of a few high-profile leaders of faith organizations makes it seem as if affairs happen as regularly as the rising and setting of the sun.

For most of us, however, it is a gift to find platonic connection with someone in the midst of this epidemic of loneliness – a person who leaves you feeling better than you felt before, and you hopefully do the same for them.

For example, take my friendship with Nick. On a conference site visit together, we were elbowing each other in a teasing way while laughing a bit too loud. Someone approached us and said, “Oh, this must be your spouse!”

We looked at each other and shook our heads, while the presumptive person blushed at their mistake.

In the decade Nick and I have been friends, we have become increasingly comfortable around each other. We share a number of interests, particularly about our work and what we believe is possible in the world. What the person on the site visit saw, and made them assume we were married, was the chemistry between me and Nick.

And that chemistry is normal.

Some degree of chemistry exists in all friendships. It is the glue that holds relationships together. Sometimes it builds over time and shared experiences. In other cases, you can tell after meeting someone that there’s shared energy.

And that energy is normal.

Society, however, tells us that chemistry is primarily normal for people who are seeking something beyond a friendship and more likely a sexual relationship. Mainstream media programming also tends to equate chemistry with desire.

Purity culture exacerbates the correlation as it supports only monogamous heterosexual Christian marriage as the gold standard of relationships between women and men. Within purity culture thinking, chaste relationships before marriage are about finding a spouse. After marriage, the majority of one’s needs are ideally met by that spouse, so friendships are less important; the focus is on deepening connection with a life partner.

According to purity culture, chemistry is only normal within a marriage.

Practices such as “The Billy Graham Rule,” also known as the “Modesto Manifesto” and, more recently, “The Mike Pence Rule,” presume the appearance of impropriety and the temptation for sexual misconduct between two people of the opposite gender who are not married. Any chemistry present must be dangerous.

While designed to protect the integrity of both parties and avoid the appearance of impropriety, such practices unfairly place the burden on women, subvert women’s power and authority and undermine their paths to leadership in male-dominated institutions.

A respected female denominational leader handles this “rule” with humor. When someone alludes to not being able to meet with her alone because of the optics, she will lightheartedly say, “Oh, I’m not sure what was communicated here – I’m only interested in talking with you about [insert topic]. I don’t want anything more. Do you think we can do this? It doesn’t need to be weird.”

Not everyone has the power and privilege to be able to respond in such an overt way, so the default is not “risking” being alone with someone else. It’s just too weird.

But do you know what’s worse than working through a weird conversation? Do you know what’s worse that fumbling through an awkward exchange to figure out how to have a friendship with someone, particularly someone different from you?

Loneliness. Loneliness is worse.

Loneliness not only feels terrible, but it has also been linked to Alzheimer’s, diabetes, cancer and other ailments. It’s as detrimental as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

Someone thinking Nick and I were married prompted us to stumble through an awkward conversation. We checked in with each other and confirmed our appreciation for and delight in our friendship. We asked each other if anything was happening within the friendship that might make the other or our spouses uncomfortable, not because we needed permission from our spouses, but rather, out of respect for them and each other.

We voiced gratitude for the uniqueness and sacredness of our friendship, and finally, we promised to regularly revisit the conversation to prevent any topics from becoming awkward or weird in the future.

Nick and I have nothing to hide in our friendship. We share a natural chemistry that consistently draws us together in respectful, fun and creative ways that help each other thrive.

Someone thinking Nick and I were married indicates how important it is for folks to see examples of healthy holy friendships, especially within faith-based spaces. Friendships like ours are normal.

What happens in a community if the only example for a healthy relationship is a monogamous, heterosexual Christian marriage? What is assumed about the people in marriages that fail or people who are not called to marriage? What does it mean for young people postponing or forgoing marriage for other ways of living into community?

What might it look like if faith communities blessed or celebrated people in healthy, respectful friendships? Imagine if that energy could be channeled into creating new ministries or serving together or leading others into beautiful expressions of beloved community?

Parishioners, colleagues, employees, family members and folks in our communities often look to their faith-rooted leaders as examples of lives grounded in ethics and health. Modeling responsible and respectful friendships with people of all genders promotes diversity, provides for exposure to new and different ideas, and expands circles of influence and community. It also feels good. It blesses the chemistry between two people as the gift from God that it is.

When folks in your community see you in the context of friendships, what do they see? How do they see you channeling the energy you experience with others? Can you imagine your community energized by healthy, holy friendships? Those around you might just need a good example to follow.