When it comes to stewardship, the ask is not the problem

Most pastors and nonprofit leaders do just fine in a conversation until it’s time to talk about money.

Then everything gets weird.

People who can preach, lead a board and navigate conflict suddenly forget how to be normal. The relationship feels transactional. A friend begins to look like a funding source.

I understand that dread. I have felt it and have sat with many good leaders who carry it. Most are not afraid of work. They are afraid of using people. That dread finds its home in our very bodies. That instinct is worth honoring.

But the ask is not the problem. The problem is asking a relationship to carry a request when we have not cared for the relationship in the ordinary months.

Henri Nouwen gave many of us a more faithful place to begin. He described fundraising as ministry that announces a vision and invites other people into a mission. That is different from begging. It assumes we each have something real to offer.

This is where my thinking about faithful friendship began. Fundraising is not a technique for getting money out of people. It is the patient work of building a community around a mission that matters to all of us.

Scripture gives us pictures of such shared work. In Luke 8:1-3, Jesus is traveling with the 12 as well as women who support the ministry from their resources. They are not anonymous funders at the edge of the story. They are named participants in the mission.

In 2 Corinthians 8, the Macedonian churches plead for the privilege of sharing in ministry to the saints. Their giving is voluntary and rooted in grace. Paul sees their generosity as participation in what God is doing.

If that is our frame, the question changes. Instead of asking, “How do I make this less awkward?” we can ask, “What kind of relationship are we building before, during and after the ask?”

Gratitude before any request

Gratitude is not the first step in a cultivation sequence. It is a way of seeing.

Before deciding what someone might give, notice what they have already brought. Perhaps they prayed, opened a door, offered counsel, volunteered or stayed close during a difficult season. Their value did not begin with a financial gift, and it will not end with one.

This changes us. We stop seeing people primarily through what is missing from the budget and notice the abundance already present in the community.

Thank a few people this week without attaching an ask. Be specific. Tell them what their presence, prayer, counsel, service or generosity has meant. Do it because it is true, not because you are warming them up for something later.

Nobody wants to discover that a year of apparent friendship was actually an unusually long fundraising strategy.

Report back before asking again

When I started calling people as a fundraiser more than 25 years ago, I had one very specific goal: I didn’t want anyone to see my name on caller ID and think, “Oh golly. It’s Kevin again. He only calls when he needs money.”

I wanted to know people and care about their lives as much as I cared about reaching my goal. I didn’t always do this perfectly. I still don’t. But fundraising relationships cannot survive as a series of withdrawals.

We share a need, receive a gift, send a receipt and sometimes disappear until the next need arrives. Then we wonder why the next conversation feels heavy.

Reporting back is more than proving that the money was used correctly. It is returning to friends with the story that they helped make possible: “You were part of this, and I wanted you to know what happened.”

In 2 Corinthians 9, Paul describes generosity overflowing into thanksgiving, prayer and deeper relationship. The gift supplies a need, but something moves in several directions. The giver, receiver and community are all being formed.

So report back while the story is still alive. Share what happened, what surprised you, what remains difficult, and what you are learning. Do not wait until you have manufactured a polished success story.

Friends can hold honest progress.

Extend an ask only when the relationship can hold it

An ask that grows from this kind of relationship feels different. It’s still an ask. It still requires courage and clarity. But it’s no longer pretending that the other person’s only meaningful contribution is money.

Paul is direct about the collection, yet he says giving should not come from reluctance or compulsion. A faithful invitation leaves room for freedom.

Before asking, consider whether the person understands the mission and knows they are valued apart from their answer. Name the opportunity clearly. Explain why you thought of them. Let them discern. Receive their answer without punishing the relationship.

Sometimes the answer will be no. Sometimes it will be not now. Sometimes a person will offer something you did not think to request: a connection, a skill, a question, a prayer or a different kind of gift.

If we are listening, the mission may receive more than money.

The healthiest fundraising grows through a yearlong rhythm of gratitude, invitation, participation and shared story. The ask belongs inside that rhythm. It was never meant to carry the whole relationship by itself.

So maybe the next step is not practicing your ask in the mirror. Call someone and thank them. Tell them what happened because they were part of the work. Ask what is happening in their life. Listen.

Then, when there is something meaningful to invite them into, invite them. Clearly. Courageously. Without trying to control their answer.

That may not feel like fundraising at first. Good.

It may be the beginning of a faithful friendship.